5 TIPS TO PRACTICE SELF-LOVE

Guylaine Martin Coach relationnel /Relationship coach

We all want the people we love to love themselves but are often not able to require the same of ourselves. Self-love has been a widely discussed topic over the last few years, however, if we take a look at social media, self-love is often mistaken for selfishness. Let’s start by distinguishing the two. The Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary’s definition of selfishness is: « A concern for one’s own welfare or advantage at the expense of or in disregard of others: excessive interest in oneself. » We can also use the words narcissism, egocentricity, vanity, pridefulness, egocentrism, and egocentricity to name a few. When a person lives in the selfish mode of being, they are not connecting with others, growing as an individual, or contributing to better the world that surrounds them. No healthy, nurturing relationship with a selfish person can pass the test of time because a healthy relationship can only exist if both parties put the needs of their partners first, and feel they can trust each other completely. And to build trust you need to feel safe so you can be authentic and vulnerable. So, what is self-love? The Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary defines it as « An appreciation of one’s own worth or virtue. ». So we need to appreciate, recognize, and enjoy our good qualities, and our worth. That sounds so simple, but it is one of the hardest things to do for a lot of us. We need to fall in love with ourselves and treat ourselves with the same respect, compassion, and integrity as we do to our best friends. The following strategies and tips will help you build up your feeling of self-love by strengthening your self-esteem, caring for your spiritual and physical health, and choosing to have healthy relationships.

1. Know & Appreciate your strengths and talents

In a culture where mostly overachieving is celebrated in schools and in the workplace, it is normal to feel that what we have accomplished is not enough, and when our self-value is associated with how we perform, this not-enoughness can lead to feelings of being inadequate, insufficient, a lack of self-confidence, demotivation, and even depression. There is no better moment than now to take back our sense of self-worth. The first step I suggest is to take a moment to write down a list of your strengths and your talents. What are you good at? What makes your heart sing when doing it? Not quite sure? Think about what people are complimenting you on? What are they asking for your help with? I am not talking about your physical appearance; I am talking about What makes you unique, and special? What do you “bring to the party”? Once you have written the list down, follow these simple steps.

• Read back the list, put a star beside your 5 favorite strengths, and do the same for your talents.
• Circle 2 strengths and 2 talents you want to improve during the next 30 days then write down how you can improve them.
• Look at yourself in the mirror and read this short list out loud every day for the next 30 days. “I have the capacity of your talent or strength and today I am going to use my talents to help name of a person you can help or a situation that requires this talent.
• Journal how you are feeling about your strengths and talents every day. Do you feel any improvements?  Are there other situations in which you could use your talents?
  

2. Take care of your soul  

Whether we are spiritual or not, staying connected to our inner voice, and our true self is crucial in showing love to ourselves. Think about the last time you did something that was not aligned with your values, or with whom you want to be. How did you feel afterward? Did you feel regret? Did you feel ashamed? Like you lost your integrity?  When we go against who we are at our core, we are left feeling out of balance, and unaligned, like we are failing ourselves. It can happen especially when we succumb to peer pressure or when we are feeling stressed out, or are overwhelmed by our sometimes too busy life. To take care of our soul we need to find what makes us feel connected to ourselves, and to the world. 

Examples of ways to connect:

• Read an inspirational book.
• Connecting with nature (taking a walk, sitting in your favorite spot in silence, practicing an outdoor sport).
• Create something beautiful with your hands with your words.
• Meditate or pray.
• Getting involved in your community and giving your time to a cause that is close to your heart.
• Anything else that fills you up with feelings of love, joy, and compassion.

3. Practice Self-compassion

Overachievers often aim for perfection, perfection to win the next contract, get a new client, or get the next promotion. But aiming for perfection instead of excellence is the perfect Petri dish for stress, angst, self-criticism, and feeling of inadequacy. The frame of mind of perfectionists is a punitive one as the person is focusing on their weaknesses and feels guilty about missing the goal. And, what drives their actions is the fear of failing. 

In contrast, self-compassion is the key to unlocking one’s full potential in a loving, caring, and kind way. It allows the person to see failure as a learning opportunity to improve and find creative ways to do differently the next time. Self-compassion helps us, among other things, to know we are not alone on this journey, others are also struggling with life’s challenges at times, and helps us realize that we are only human, therefore imperfect. 

Questions for reflection

• What drives your actions, the fear of failure or the desire to learn and improve? 
• What specific reaction and thoughts, in the face of failure, can you change to show self-compassion? 
• Write down the ones fueled by fear of failure then, write a new compassionate one to replace them. 

4. Take care of your body

A healthy mind needs a healthy body. Seems simple but how many times have you said, « I don’t have the time. », « I’m too busy. », « I’m too tired. », and « I need my sleep »? These are a few of the reasons we give ourselves to not put in the effort needed to feel strong and energized in our body. Even the busiest people can take a few simple steps to improve their health and get all the energy required to not just get through the day but soar through it.

Improve your morning routine – Start your day earlier 

Are you in the habit of running late every morning? How much time does it take you to wind down from all the stress and find your balance? Just waking up 20 to 30 minutes earlier each day can allow you to exercise for 20 minutes, read, meditate, or pray for 10 minutes. This simple morning routine will lower your stress level and help start your day more focused and aligned. 

Have a healthy end-of-day routine to prepare yourself for a good night’s sleep

The sleep guidelines recommended for adults is 7 to 9 hours of good-quality sleep per night, but studies show that 25% of adults are having trouble going to sleep or staying asleep most of the time. Some effects of sleep deprivation and poor quality of sleep include the weakening of the immune system, hypertension, increased irritability, lack of concentration, decreased reflexes, weight management problems, and increased stress levels. Having a routine at the end of the day helps program your body to get ready for sleep. On a scale of 1 to 10, how stressed are you when you go to sleep? These simple tips will help you prepare for a restful good night’s sleep.

• Stop eating 3 hours before you go to bed. Eating too close to bedtime will increase the chance of waking up after falling asleep, and the chance of having acid reflux. 
• Shut off the screens 1 1/2 to 2 hours before bedtime. Bluelight is known for stopping the release of melatonin, the sleep hormone. Replace your screen time with a calming activity like having a meaningful discussion, reading a good book, board games, card games, listening to music, stretching exercises, or yoga.
• 1 hour before going to sleep, after your personal hygiene routine, dim the lights to create an atmosphere conducive to relaxation, lay down, take deep breaths, and imagine every muscle relaxing and getting heavy. Starting by your feet all the way up to your head.

How to eat healthier with simple meal prep tips

Do you find it hard to resist munching on not-so-healthy food when you get home after a busy day simply because this is what is ready and the easiest? Having healthy foods and snacks ready will give you better options while you wait for the main meal to be ready. There are a lot of different options when it comes to meal prep, other than taking half a day from your weekend. Here are a few below. 

• Double your portions when cooking. 
• Cook two meals at a time. I used this a lot while raising my kids. It is easy to cook anything that needs to boil in water or in the oven whilst cooking your main
    meal.
• Prepare a container of already-cut fresh veggies and a container of washed and cut salad (cut 2-3 portions at a time so they keep good and fresh). 
• Put together in containers all the ingredients needed for your recipes (just like they do at the store). It is healthier and cheaper than buying them at the store.

5. Say goodbye to toxic relationships

Have you ever spent time with someone and left them feeling you were drained out of your energy or feeling worst than you did before? It might be time to reflect on what that relationship is giving you versus what it takes out of you. It is important to surround yourself with people that will uplift you, with whom you can grow and become a better person. I know it is not easy to do especially if the person is someone that you have known and loved for a long time or is a close member of your family. Before taking your distance from this relationship, have a conversation about how you would like your relationship to be. Let the person know you love and respect them then explain how you would like to feel when you spend time with them. The hard conversations are never easy but you might get a totally different and great relationship with this person. If the outcome is not positive, you can always love that person from a distance, whilst staying true to yourself and aligned with your values. Make space for healthy relationships that will uplift your spirit. 

In conclusion, practicing self-love daily is an investment that will benefit you and have positive effects in all areas of your life. If you find it hard to be by yourself to reflect, start spending time connecting with yourself and learn to enjoy spending time on your own. Find the path back to you, quiet your thoughts, discover the precious and valuable human being you are, and start healing your heart and your soul. Connecting to oneself is paramount to connecting with others in a deep and meaningful way. Otherwise, we rob the people we love of knowing the best parts of us. Self-love is one of the most important pillars of human connection, it allows us to open up, trust and care for each other, and bond with one another. If you are looking for additional support, or you are unsure of where to start, I would be happy to discuss it with you. Simply write to me or book your free session. 

** This article is for coaching advice only. If your condition requires professional psychological or medical help, please consult the appropriate professional. All decisions and actions taken as a result of reading this article are the responsibility of the reader.