STRATEGIES TO EASE DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS WITH YOUR PARTNER

Guylaine Martin Coach relationnel /Relationship coach

As communication is the glue of any relationship it is the basis of a strong couple. It is all well and good to say that you have to communicate with your partner, but what are the discussions that strengthen the couple? Talking about what we like is important, but talking about what we don’t like, what irritates us and the conflicts we encounter are key to learning more about each other and building a sense of respect and mutual trust. While it might seem easier to avoid these conversations, avoiding them can have a devastating effect on the relationship in the long run as all the small irritants stack up and turn into little bombshells ready to go off at anytime. When one of these bombs goes off, it can result in a quarrel over something as trivial as socks left on the floor. It is the accumulation of these quarrels that can harm the relationship, creating resentment toward each other, not feeling understood or not being important for the other. Hence the importance of communicating irritants regularly with respect, understanding and love for the other.

If your relationship seems to be at an impasse and you are unsure of how to start a constructive conversation about a difficult topic, the following strategies will help take the bull by the horns.

When these quarrels arise, it can have devastating effects on the couple, such as creating resentment, the feeling of not being important to the other, which weakens the relationship. Hence the importance of communicating the irritants of everyday life on a regular basis, showing respect, understanding and love for others.

Write down the irritants and sources of conflicts

Often times, the mere thought of bringing up a difficult subject with your partner is enough to trigger stress and anxiety, which makes it difficult to see clearly into your feelings and ideas. Putting down your ideas on paper is a strategy that can be very effective to better understand each other, communicate ideas more clearly and make sure that all important points are raised. In addition, expressing your emotions through writing frees the mind and helps to stop ruminating about these thoughts which in return helps you sleep better and be more present with the people you love.

If writing isn’t your cup of tea, writing a simple bullet list is enough.

How to focus your attention on the problem rather than your partner

First of all, in order to prevent difficult conversations to turn into a confrontation, it is essential to show respect to the other, not to judge what is important to them and to let them express themselves without interruption. Just jot down the questions that come to your mind and wait until your partner is finished speaking before asking them.

Then, when it is your turn to speak, keep it as short and clear as possible and speak in  »I » when you express what you felt in the situation, this technique prevents the receiver (the person listening) from feeling attacked and keeps the communication channels open.

Also important, pay special attention to non-verbal language that may indicate your partner is shutting down. The most common clues include but not limited to: having the arms crossed over the chest, fists closed, the person is putting more distance between you two and their feet are pointing towards the exit. In the event that you see signs of closure, checking the person’s state of mind can help open the lines of communication.

Taking a break to clarify your thoughts is important when the discussion comes to a standstill or gets heated. Finally, it is not necessary to agree on all subjects, your differences are also a strength of the couple. Without them you would be in a relationship with yourself.

The benefits for the couple of the weekly executive meeting

The evenings are often very busy, and tackling sensitive topics before bed time is not ideal for problem solving. That is why I suggest setting aside a specific time during the week when partners can chat peacefully and without any distractions. This creates an atmosphere of calm, trust and respect conducive to the resolution of conflicts and major irritants that have been identified during the week. Having a hard time to find quiet time at home? This can be the perfect opportunity to go out for coffee or go for a hike or whatever activity both of you enjoy.

Further more…

In order to create an atmosphere conducive to sharing, I suggest starting and ending these meetings with a hug. And, making it a habit by including it in your routine will bring a sense of inner calm because it decreases the uncertainty and the anxiety created by the feeling of lacking time to take care of one’s relationship.

Finally, feel free to postpone a more challenging topic that requires more time.

There you have it! In summary, difficult or delicate conversations are inevitable in every couple, they are a wonderful tool to get closer and build a lasting relationship. They allow you to maintain or regain harmony and build confidence. Following these simple strategies will help you to enter in these discussions with more confidence, harmony and respect. If you are looking for additional support, or you are unsure of where to start, I would be happy to discuss it with you. Simply book your free meeting.

** This article is for coaching advice only. If your condition requires professional psychological or medical help, please consult the appropriate professional. All decisions and actions taken as a result of reading this article are the responsibility of the reader.