DENIGRATION, HOW TO BREAK THE CYCLE

Being in a couple is not always easy especially when the partners hurt each other, often unconsciously. When they have been hurt, some people turn to those around them to communicate the pain or the dissatisfaction felt in the relationship. When this is done in a healthy way, they return to their partner to express how they feel and thus resolve the conflict. However, seeking comfort to heal their wounds outside the relationship can sometimes become unhealthy when the complaint turns into denigration of the life partner, which gradually destroys the couple. The denigration of the partner is very harmful on many levels to ourselves, our loved ones and our partner.

Before we begin and in order to put this article in the right context, lets look at the difference between complaining and denigrating. According to the Merriam-Webster’s dictionary, the definition of  complaining is:  to express grief, pain, or discontent and denigrating is : ending or serving to insult or belittle someone.

Now that the distinction between these two terms has been explained, I will discuss how denigrating your partner effects everyone and provide tips for breaking this cycle of destruction.

THE EFFECTS OF DENIGRATING YOUR PARTNER ON SELF

In my opinion, the most important effect of denigrating the person you cherish is that this behavior maintains and increases the negative feelings that you may have towards your partner. It is normal to experience disappointment or anger when you feel betrayed or hurt, but staying in this loop of negative feelings decreases the positive sentiments you feel for the loved one.

Tips 

Before turning to your friends and family, the first step is to let the dust settle, take time to reflect with oneself to understand your feelings more clearly. Here are some of the questions you can ask yourself: Is the reaction related to the situation or is it related to your past? And, if it is related to the situation, is the reaction in proportion to the situation? Are the words used to express your dissatisfaction in accordance with the situation or are they mostly belittling your partner? What feelings do you want to cultivate for your loved one? What words can express how you feel about the situation without disparaging your partner? Writing down your answers will help you get the clarity you need.

THE EFFECTS OF DENIGRATING YOUR PARTNER ON RELATIVES

When the choice is made to share your grief,  your disappointment outside your relationship, you must keep in mind that your loved ones have no power over the situation. In addition, you risk causing even more irritation between your partner and yourself, because denigrating them paints a negative portrait of them to your loved ones and damages their relationship with those people, because there is an implicit obligation for these friends or family members to take a stand against your partner. As a result, your partner feels that they are the scapegoat for all of your relationship’s problems and that everyone is against them.

Tips 

How can you make sure that confiding your romantic setbacks to a friend and a family member is positive for our relationship? First, you have to carefully choose this confidant. Is this someone who is able to be candid, even if it implies that you will not like the truth? Do they bring a positive approach to issues or do they naturally focus on the negative? Is this person able to put the situation into perspective for you? Are they able to listen to you and understand you? Can they ask the right questions to help you see things more clearly? Do you feel you bring something positive back to the situation after talking with them? 

Finally, if you have denigrated your partner to your loved ones, take the time to set the record straight and make amends with them. Then, agree to have a more positive and respectful behavior for everyone.

THE EFFECTS OF DENIGRATING YOUR PARTNER ON THEMSELVES

Finally, the effects of denigrating the partner can be devastating for them because the person feels betrayed by the same person who says they love them. This can destroy their self-confidence and cause the partner to withdraw as a protective mechanism and ultimately close the channels of communication. Thus the belittled partner loses their respect and trust in you and your loved ones and, this can cause a feeling of exclusion, of being judged which can lead to severing the bond that unite you.

Tips 

Being honest and acknowledging your mistakes is the first step to take with your partner. This difficult conversation requires humility, compassion and love, and the words used must be carefully chosen. I suggest starting by saying why you love them, tell them what you admire the most about them, why they are important to you, what they do that brings you joy. Then maybe tell your partner that you’re sorry for not being the partner they deserve when your words don’t reflect the love you feel for them and that you want to change this behavior so you can build the healthy relationship you both deserve.

In summary, when faced with a difficult situation with your partner, it is best to try to sort it out within your relationship first and to ban denigrating about anyone with anyone. It is never too late to praise  the one you love, it will improve the relationship. Your partner may find that too much as been done to mend the relationship. If this the case, I suggest that you take the time to understand what led you to denigrate them in order to break the cycle for your next relationship. If you are looking for additional support, or you are unsure of where to start, I would be happy to discuss it with you. Simply write to me or book your free session. Keep in mind that any relationship requires dedication, effort, communication, patience and love. 

** This article is for coaching advice only. If your condition requires professional psychological or medical help, please consult the appropriate professional. All decisions and actions taken as a result of reading this article are the responsibility of the reader.